Irate Tree Goes on Strike! – Funny Short Stories #1

In the northwestern portion of the United States a lone aspen tree declared that he was going on strike. Apparently this forest watchdog, which answered to the name ‘Bociphorus’, had recently learned news about his cousin who went missing two weeks ago.  The following is taken from an on scene interview.

The Discovery

“You may think this is one of those funny short stories but I sure don’t,” said Bociphorus. “So I’m just standing around minding my own business yesterday, like I always do, when I see some loggers coming down a nearby trail in their obnoxious bright orange vests. They walked underneath my voluminous yet beautiful canopy and I overheard them talking. Keep in mind this is a beautiful day, it had just rained, giving us a trunk watering guzzle of fresh water and a rainbow had just appeared above our canopy. I was feeling great and my lightning scar even felt smooth and cool after the rain.”

“The one dude starts talking about how his group was chopping trees a couple weeks ago about a mile south. This is right where my cousin Cypress Fred hangs out most days… well every day really ’cause we can’t move and stuff. He said most of those trees went to the paper mill and were going eventually to be sent to a company that made toilet paper,” said Bociphorus as he choked back a sob.

“At this point the other dude excuses himself and walks right up to my trunk. He dropped his pants and proceeded to take a steaming dump. Now that’s not the upsetting part, we trees love when a brown town clown drops one down, they feed and fertilize the soil, which feeds us trees. They are actually quite delicious, except when that person ate brussel sprouts for dinner, those things taste like crap! Any who, he then takes out a roll of this toilet paper from his overalls and I swear I saw Cypress Fred’s eyelashes embedded in the paper. He had the best, most beautiful eyelashes and all the trees in his grove talked about them, they are unmistakable, and here they are winking at me right before this man shoved what was left of Cypress Fred… UP… HIS… BUTT!!” Now Bociphorus, also known as ‘Bo’, shuddered in rage causing a large number of leaves and a couple twigs to fall to the forest floor.

The Reaction

“Initially I broke off one of my own limbs and tried to drop it on that man’s head,” cracked the angry tree. “After they ran off and I calmed down I sent a message on the tree line to the logging company.” Research uncovered a secret network of fiber optics entwined with the root system of groves and forests that enable trees to communicate with certain necessary companies and governments. This is cryptically known as the ‘tree line’.

“The loggers said they couldn’t help where the trees get shipped after they leave on the forest road. The EPA told me that toilet paper is a protected commodity under the Why Invest in Portable Excrement Diapers law, also known as the W.I.P.E.D. act, if you can believe that @$%! “

“So now I’m pissed off like Tom Brady after deflate gate and I’m gonna do a touchdown dance all over humanity,” said Bo. “A lot of people don’t know this but M Knight consulted with us for the Happening. Have you seen that movie?! That is like naptime at the tree nursery compared to what we can really do! Do you think we told Knight all our secrets? No man, that movie is totally accurate but we can do way worse. Guess what, you ever hear of a little process called photosynthesis!?”

Interaction

Bo had gotten so worked up by this time he literally started to splinter and then passed out. A group of environmentalists showed up and attended to Bo while forming a human circle around him and chanting, “We don’t care! About the air! Save our trees! Hold your poopies!”

The loggers overheard the commotion and came to investigate. When the environmentalists saw them they began to reach into prefilled bags of actual poo and fling it at the loggers. Bright orange vests quickly streaked and splattered with brown strips and spots as the loggers retreated into the woods. At this time Bo came around and yelled at the fleeing lumberjacks, “I bet you wish you had some Cypress Fred paper now!”

The Plan

Bociphorus, now settled down, explained further, “Photosynthesis is how we create oxygen, to keep it short. People need oxygen to breathe. If we don’t make oxygen, no more people.” Bo crossed two limbs and nodded his canopy in an affirming gesture. “I have now stopped photosynthesis and urge all other trees to do the same. If Cypress Fred can end up crap covered and inside an anus then so can your saplings!”

Many of the surrounding trees swayed in affirmation to Bo’s words as the whistling wind carried Bo’s message to neighboring groves of trees. It became clear that this particular forest was no longer producing oxygen as the loggers started to have trouble catching their breath and flocks of birds departed from the tree limbs.

Results

Unfortunately for the trees once they stopped photosynthesis they ended their ability to feed themselves nutrients like sugars, which were necessary for their survival. The photosynthesis strike lasted a total of four and a half hours.

The environmentalists passed out hand in hand in their circle around Bo due to lack of oxygen. When the strike ended and oxygen returned local tree police came in, cuffed the protesters, and escorted them out of the forest. Bo resumed photosynthesis but vowed to “M Knight all over humanity” as soon as he figured out how.

Follow Up

One week later reporters returned to that section of forest to speak with Bo. It was completely cleared of trees with no sign of Bociphorus so they turned and headed back. On their way out of the forest they stopped at the logging camp where there stood a wooden outhouse. The outhouse had a conspicuous scorch mark on its side, like an electrical burn. The loggers swore that on days that it rained and a rainbow appeared the outhouse walls seemed to cry tears on the inside of the commode.

Matthew Halligan