At the corner of Fifth and Jefferson an experiment in social redemption came crashing to a tragic halt early this morning. Onlookers describe the chaos as predictable, yet devastating to behold. The fashion, food and hospital sectors all suffered devastating blows as a once beloved, albeit peculiar proprietor of a dry cleaning shop fell off the fashion food wagon in the middle of the morning commute and had pedestrians scrambling for shelter.
In the Beginning There was Karl
After the devastation wrought by the awakening of the first Kaiju and the subsequent clean up and healing efforts attempted by cities all over the globe, legislation was enacted to assimilate our monstrous brethren into civil society. The K.A.P.T. Act (Kaijus Are People Too) included language providing for a certain percentage of new business licenses within cities to be assigned to Kaiju and their offspring. Enter Karl.
Karl is a 100 foot tall reptilian like creature with four eyes, three legs, two tails complete with mace like spikes, and short arms with disproportionately long fingers on its hands. His head is triangular and his body is covered in dragon like scales. And Karl has a taste for fine fashion, literally. Karl was designated a license to open a dry cleaner shop in the business district after undergoing psychological testing required by the K.A.P.T. Act. As Karl passed the testing by a smidge, (after receiving 3 bonus points for self reported abstinence from human consumption) he got the green light to launder the linen of the citizenry of our fine city.
For a year and a half after the grand opening, Karl’s Kaiju Kleaners was a resounding success. Services provided were impeccable, from dry cleaning to tailoring to the shining of shoes, raving reviews flowed like water in a fountain. Karl himself became a beloved member of the business district, providing service for the city’s police and their uniforms, the wealthy suits in the financial district, nurses’ scrubs from the downtown hospital, and even the mayor himself. Karl donated time and money to several outstanding causes including Big Buddies Kaiju day care and Colossal Clean Up, the cities Kaiju excrement management authority. “I am honored to belong to such a gloriously attired community replete with satin and fur, denim and leather, cotton and courduroy. I welcome all fabrics to my business, there is no garment I won’t get clean!” said Karl during a speech at the chamber of commerce annual dinner where he was awarded best new business last year.
Old Habits Dye Hard
The downfall of Kaiju Kleaners, and with it the K.A.P.T. Act, began a few months ago with a series of questions and complaints regarding the cleaning business on Fifth street. During Karl’s mankind munching days he had developed an affinity for the taste of clothing. From rayon to spandex to silk and satin, Karl was ravenous for all flavors of clothes, exhibiting a true weakness for wardrobes of all kinds. Towards the end of the Great Awakening, Karl was one of the captured and subdued Kaiju who underwent an extensive rehabilitation program. At its completion Karl had lost his taste for flesh, but his culinary penchant for fashionable food in clothing form never quite abandoned his pallette, as it turns out.
“I was quite happy with the job Karl did on my suits,” said Joseph Wambacker, an investment banker who works two blocks from the location of Kaiju Kleaners. “That is until my suit pants started to come back a tad shorter in the inseam, and with nibble marks, if you can call giant slobbery rips and tears a ‘nibble.’ It was pretty obvious what was happening but Karl was such a good guy I let it go at first.”
Unfortunately Joseph wasn’t the only customer experiencing problems of the gashed garment variety. “I brought in my mother’s wedding dress to get cleaned for my upcoming ceremony,” reported Layla Johnston, a 27 year old photographer. “When I stopped in to pick it up, Karl handed me a mostly empty plastic baggie with what appeared to be mustard stains inside and a few bits of lace stuck to the inside of the bag. I mean come on, was I not supposed to notice that he treated my Mom’s dress like a hot dog from the ball park? That dress was passed down for three generations!”
‘Vested’ in the Business
As complaints came in more and more steadily to the city council and chamber of commerce it became apparent that something needed to be done. Karl was fined and ordered to repay the customers who received back damaged, or in some cases, no clothing at all.
“I am deeply ashamed of my behavior and promise to attend counseling and repay the good customers I have come to know and love,” stated Karl in a public apology. “I only hope I can continue to run the cleaning business I love so much and earn back the trust of this great city.” As he finished the sentence he choked back sobs that produced enough tears to flood the street in front of city hall, causing a 30 minute traffic delay.
Despite all this Karl was once again allowed to operate his cleaning business after another round of therapy. Things appeared to be running smoothly once again until a very unique garment arrived at Karls front door.
New Meaning to Comfort Food
Alpaca fur pajamas, so soft, so comfortable, and so delicious! The day these jammies wandered into Kaiju Cleaners was the last day of operations for Karl’s business. Betty Greenway, aged 77 years, brought her favorite pajamas in for cleaning at 9:30 AM, shortly after the cleaner opened. Karl was on the premises and immediately smelled what was cookin’ in the cleaners. Alpaca happened to be his favorite animal and he could smell it a mile away. The texture and taste proved irresistible to Karl as he had originally awakened in the country of Peru and the first tasty treats he had after his long slumber were alpacas.
Ms. Greenway liked Karl quite a bit and had been out of the country for months. She was unaware of the previous problems at Karl’s place and brought her night wear in like she normally would. As she received her cleaning receipt and was about to exit the facility Karl pulled a giant spork from behind his back and scooped and swallowed the alpaca pajamas in one fluid motion. Normally Ms. Greenway would have been asked to comment but Ms. Greenway is currently being slowly digested in one of Karl’s 3 distinct colons. She was wearing a mink coat and after having Alpaca fur, nothing says desert to a creature like Karl quite like a mink, so he ate it without bothering to ask Ms. Greenway to remove it first.
These two menu items proved to be the straw that broke the Kaiju’s back, or belly in this case. Karl proceeded to lose his mind, and his business, at that moment. He stomped through the business district smashing the windows of department stores and grabbing the clothing from inside and stuffing it in his mouth. Unfortunately, unless you were out and about in your birthday suit that day, you were fair game for Karl and his need for tweed, and all other fabrics. After Karl was finally subdued and tranquilized the business district had sustained damage of close to 27 million dollars, 117 people had been consumed and the loss of wearable fabric was simply incomprehensible.
Karl Can’t Clean
Karl is currently being housed in a secure facility in the Rocky Mountains. Despite the damage and loss of life he caused, a group of Kaiju friendly lobbyists were able to stop him from being blown up. They argued he could one day be valuable in the fashion industry as a consultant and possible caterer. The terms of his current imprisonment include a weekly delivery of discarded rayon and spandex in an attempt to wean him off natural fabrics before getting him off clothing all together. Karl is banned from working in the prison laundry.